Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
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5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.