Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
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Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old