“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
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sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
mentally somewhere in italy
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
This January has 47 Mondays
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed