Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 馃槅馃槅
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
From now on I鈥檓 gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
if you shouldn鈥檛 go food shopping when you鈥檙e hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you鈥檙e naked. trust me on this.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I鈥檓 so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I鈥檓 not doing it, I鈥檓 busy.
I feel like IBM isn鈥檛 being roasted enough for their company name.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
sistine chapel
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Wife: You鈥檙e really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If my dog鈥檚 front feet move while he鈥檚 asleep then I know he鈥檚 dreaming about playing the piano. If it鈥檚 his back feet, tap dancing.
Order here:
More here:
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 馃幎
Him: Mom what鈥檚 a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we鈥檙e lovers?
Stranger:馃槼
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this