Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Dolls on drugs
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
consequences, the bane of my existence