Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back