Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
#CatsOnTwitter
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.