[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
You Might Also Like
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
What a website
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.