It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
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CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
we’re gonna need another temp