Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
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Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late