Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
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them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Current mood: Potato
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying