yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
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watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”