16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.