if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
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No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“I wouldn’t.”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My love language is hissing.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”