My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
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My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
no cat here
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
April 1st is the class clown of days.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying