Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
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I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Cake safety first. Always.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.