[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.