Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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Don’t snitch tag.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]