Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
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You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My boss called in sick of me
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.