You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
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What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
my one true gender
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?