Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable