person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.