Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
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I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class