I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
You Might Also Like
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Twitter remains undefeated
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.