*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse