An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Haha good job!!
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
☠️☠️☠️
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket