If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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Weighing up my bread heating options
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.