I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
You Might Also Like
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
How is it still this week?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.