“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.