My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
selfie game