[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
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Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.