“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
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I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
can I use a minion as a tampon
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
How does one answer this?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme