Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”