All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
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Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”