I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
You Might Also Like
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Me too 😆
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit