Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
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Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
HERE’S MARKY
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer