Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
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this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
The struggle is real.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”