My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
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My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
If only.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*