Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
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Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.