Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*