i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.