A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
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5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.