“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
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Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili