“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
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I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
an octopus is just a wet spider
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”