We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
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I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.