Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
This fish is cracking me up
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
My friend is an excellent librarian.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I saw this ending much differently.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I unironically love this joke.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”