Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
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how to have fun when you’re poor
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Dolls on drugs
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
A game married people play.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.