her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
âI made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were deadâ is a weird flex but ok.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. Itâs terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didnât you?
Mom: It scares your dad. Heâs funny when heâs scared.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I like to think Iâm a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but themâs the rules.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think weâre anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked âDo you know where the cheese is?â and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I donât care if itâs red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If youâve got 99 of anything, Iâm scheduling an intervention
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order đđ am I doing this wrong
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I like how âtwoâ is spelled a little strangely so youâre prepared early on for how insane âeightâ is going to be.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[watching murder documentary]
Her: Thatâs not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect menâs underwear
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!