My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!