No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
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If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Truth
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
the dark web is just a goth google.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.